Hello Internet-land. I am updating my blog in a span of time less than four months! You all should be proud of me (whomever reads this anyway).
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out what the best course of action to take. It’s been rough, I feel like I’ve been doing the same thing for the past couple of years now. At least since I moved to North Carolina. I feel like that was the first step in a long process. Although, the past couple of years were a period of painful trials for me, I made it through. I have a feeling I know how, but more on that later.
Now I have some different trials, but these I feel like I can accomplish. I’m working on bettering myself everyday. That means in everything I do. It’s not easy, but it has to be done for my sake. So I’m trying to become healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually. I believe these three things tied together will make a difference to my whole being.
So let’s start with how I am working on bettering myself. Mentally is one of my hardest battles, as I tend to internalize most of my problems and not really speak of them. It’s kind of ironic because I always try to get people to tell me what they think and feel. I guess its to make up for what I want to say, but find difficulty in actually saying. That was one reason why I started writing songs. It in a way said what I felt at that time. Usually with me, when I write I have to be either extremely happy or extremely sad. I’m hoping to change that. Even though I am quite happy now! I’m still trying to figure out what my motivation is. Why is it that I have continued on as I have and not given up on school? Why is that so important to me? Therein lies my problem with my mental health. I do not yet understand my deeper purpose. I do believe it will be revealed when the time is right, but I feel like until then I am slightly lost.
Secondly, my physicality. I have been working on making myself healthier. It started when school started. Walking everywhere and taking the stairs helped me to drop a considerable amount of fat I had accumulated in my lethargic stage. I should have never gotten like I did, but I was pretty depressed. So that was my start. I’ve been trying to work out consistently and building my endurance with running as well. So far so good! It feels weird when I don’t work out, so I feel like it has developed into a habit. It’s a good habit to have too. It’s also changed how I look, as I am a lot more fit and I look fit. I’ve also been building muscle, which is new to me because I was always just skinny, I never really had any decent muscle mass. So things that used to be kind of heavy (such as pop can cases) I can grab one handed with ease! It was weird when I did that and felt no strain. It made me realize just how far I have come physically. I am not all the way where I want to be, but I am well on my way!
My last focus is my spirituality. I became an agnostic for several reasons. One, I was tired of how churches I had been too treated me and my family. My extended family treated me the same for most of my life. My mom and I were seen as outcasts because she was remarrying and I was not my father’s actual birth son. Kind of hard on a kid who just wanted a Dad. So when my brother was born, it was even tougher because they saw him as an actual family member and me and my mom were just there for the ride. Anyway, this just kind of turned me off to being a Christian because my mom was judged for having me out of wedlock. Even though they never directly said it to me, they treated me in the same regard. I did the whole church thing and it wasn’t for me. At least not the churches I went to. Fast forward to quite a few years later. A group of people whom I discussed religious matter almost on the daily turned me off to being a Christian. I was trying to get back into it and read the bible and explain what I interpreted and how I questioned certain things I read. Rather than not judge me, and even after I tried really hard to explain what I thought was the deeper message of the bible, they attacked me. I was called a fake Christian, a lukewarm Christian, A wolf in sheep's clothing, the anti-Christ, etc. It just made me not want to associate myself with Christianity. I thought to myself, how could I be like someone who treats brothers and sisters like this. So I gave it up.
Yesterday I was invited to go to something called Intervarsity. It was a bunch of Christians who had a fellowship and had a message. The message was about repentance and it got me thinking. The one speaker lady (sorry I forgot your name), spoke about how Jesus wants to reintroduce himself to you. Some of the people I met here, namely Danielle and Kendra have acted like what I was trying to be when I was a Christian. They do not judge others because they sin, instead they try to show others love. This is what has made me reconsider my position because I am not alone in this philosophy if you will. So I am rethinking it.
Now I say I am agnostic, but let me define it so you can understand that agnostic can be one of 100’s of views. I believe in God, always have. I look at the world around me and see that this can’t all be by chance. I can see intelligence in the design of everything natural. It’s too perfect to be a fluke. I kept my relationship with God. I didn’t really read the bible because I have issues with it at times, but I did and still do pray a lot. The other night I prayed for God to give me a clear path to bettering myself and making things all work out for me. Lo and behold two days later Danielle invites me to Intervarsity. So I said sure, and I went into it with an open mind.
I had a good time, the people are nice and I feel like that they believe as I do. What really got me was how they are going to hold up signs today to apologize for the way Christians act towards others at times. That really took ahold of me because I had been attacked by Christians AS a Christian.
So where does this go from here exactly? I am not quite sure, but I know if I continue to let the lord guide my steps, I am sure to do what is right and do things the way they should be done.
Anyway, that’s all for now, I just felt like writing out some of my thoughts because I never really do. It’s also good because someday I can look back on my writings and see where I came from and how I have evolved my perspective over time. It’s good for reflection. So anyway I bid you adieu my secret readers.
Peace and Love.
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