On my Mind

It is so hard for me to write what I think. I have so many ideas, opinions et cetera, but I can not seem to to focus my energies on writing it out. This isn’t good, I want to express myself. I don’t really care if anyone cares to listen, but I need to be able to write out what I feel.

I haven’ written a song in forever either. I’ve become complacent and I don’t do a whole lot of anything. I speak of action, but I have yet to really do anything at all. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it is just the point in my life. I feel like this is the worst part of my life thus far.

I love my family, but I feel like two years of my life are gone. I feel like I wasted my time here in Goldsboro. There is nothing here for me and there will never will be. The people here are not people I can spend my time around. In the two years I’ve been here, I have yet to make a single friend. Does that sound at all like me? NO!

I don’t do anything and it shows. I’m not like I used to be, yet I am completely like I was.It’s like my body is lost and my mind is not. I am alive in my head, but I am just a drone when I walk the Earth. All I do is go to school or work. Now I’m out of school, so I only work. I really don’t do anything

I used to feel I had a purpose, now I’m not so sure of anything. I don’t know where to go or what to do. It seems the only thing I have going for me is that I am going to East Carolina in the fall. Woohoo another college, Hopefully I fair better this time around. This will be the fifth college I go to. It is the last college I will go to.

I am uneasy about the transition. Will I finally fit in? I’m gonna be 24 when I leave, older than everyone. Will it be the same or will I finally be able to be a part of something. These past two years have been absolute hell and I brought it on myself. I chose this for me in hopes that I would do better and education-wise I sure am. Grades have improved dramatically as well as my work ethic too.

I really miss my friends. What friends I have anyway. I know of about two who actually try and stay in touch with me. I gave up Facebook and then returned pathetically because I realized I would be much more alone without it since my friends weren’t going to bother keeping in touch with me.

I’m not very good at keeping in touch either, but I think that if people tried talking to me, I would try to talk back. Jamie keeps in regular contact with me. Mikey tries to but I am bad about responding back and I need to stop because I miss that guy a lot too.

I hate this feeling of loneliness. It’s all I know anymore and it is rather pathetic. All I have are my memories and those can’t keep me going. Maybe that explains my apathy or at least it gives me an excuse for being like I am.

Work stresses me the hell out. I work my ass off and make that store tons of money and I can barely get 15 hours a week worth of work! I’d go apply other places, but there aren’t very many places hiring, let alone places that would put my skills to use. I miss how it used to be, where I was actually used for a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a placeholder. I just do the shift lead job as a temporary hold until they can find someone to take over the role. But whatever, I don’t take my personal problems to work and I shouldn’t take my work home.

What am I going to do? I am excited about the fall, yet I am extremely nervous. I want things to work out and I want to get out on my own. I want to get used to the area so I can get my own apartment eventually and stop having to rely on my parents to take care of me. I’m too old to be here at home, but here I am.

Being here just reminds me of how much I have failed, but my one redeeming quality is that I haven’t given up. However, when all is said and done, I’m going to pay for my miscalculations and my indecisiveness. I hope I can figure that out too, but I don’t plan to worry about that until it happens.

I have so much I want to do. I want to make a difference in this world, but I can never figure out where to start. My life lacks direction and because of that I lack motivation. I need to find my path, but my path is far from clear. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what will help, but I can’t continue on like this. I’m slowly dying inside because all I have is me.

I can’t talk with my parents about how I truly feel. I have never been able to. I love them, but they never could really understand me. What I think about the world only angers them. What I know about life only infuriates them. What I feel about how things are at home only makes them make me feel guilty. I cannot freely speak my mind and that dampers my spirit.

I have only been able to pray and it seems to be the only way I can be sane. I have come to realize a great deal about myself through this turmoil. I know what I want in certain regards, but getting to that point is beyond my reach. I’m tired, oh so tired, of being single. I hate it here even more because all the people my age are A) married or B) have kids, or both. I live near a military base so it is expected. It’s another reason why I can’t wait to leave. I want to get away from this “country idealism”.

I watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist last night. It is now one of my favorite movies. Nick in the movie (Michael Cera) is almost exactly how I am in real life. So I have decided on how to find my soul mate. We must match very closely in musical tastes. I’m looking for my musical soul mate.

I got my haircut yesterday. Right after work I went to a random place I had never been. They did a good job, though it’s pretty short (like I wanted). It’ll just take me some time to get used to it considering I let my hair get too long and curly. GOD I hate my curls. I’d love to just have straight hair.

Well that’s all for now, I just needed to ramble a bit.

Good night all.