The Path Less Traveled

I've finally found my way,
Set my feet upon the right path,
But in this transition,
I'm unsure where to head next,
I have lofty goals and seemingly unrealistic ambitions,
I have to plan a course of action,
But everything is new to me,
I've awakened from my sleep called apathy,
Ready to continue changing my mode of operation,
Change my way of thinking,
I've become a new person,
I'm letting the old me fade away,
So that the new one can blossom,
I'm prepared for this reorganization,
But the future seems uncertain,
Where will I go?
What will I be?
Am I too old not to know everything?
God, what is your plan for me?
In time will you reveal everything?
In a sense of irony,
My uncertainty stems from my desire to change everything,
Not just in me,
But in all that I see,
First, however,
It starts within me,
That's why this is difficult,
This is the first act in the play of life,
What happens next is in question,
Every action bares a consequence,
I reach out to grab hold of some stability,
But the only thing to hold onto is what little I know,
Lord I've taken the initiative to correct my path,
Will you guide my further steps?
Keep me safe from harm's way?
I know you sent me a gift,
You sent a woman who brought me closer to you,
One full of love and dedication to the happiness of others,
One strong in the spirit to bring me back to the light,
A woman who feels lucky to be in my presence,
Whom I spoke to about my dreams,
Not quite sure what she would think,
Where I expected laughter,
What I received was admiration,
Ever from the beginning,
She has escaped my ability to characterize,
Honestly she's perfect for me,
I'm very interested in where we go from here,
That's one reason I want to do everything right,
This has to be of mutual benefit,
I'm been very blessed,
So I don't want to squander what I have,
God give me the strength,
To follow your will,
Amen.

September Rain

Do I seem desperate?
So old,
Yet so young,
Constantly searching for the one,
I look through a sea of empty faces,
Blank expressions cast back at me,
I search everyone's eyes,
Trying to peer into their soul,
And see if it reflects mine,
I've been patiently waiting,
Hoping and praying,
That someone else has been doing the same.

(Chorus)
A passionate fire rages within me,
My thirst for love has yet to be quenched,
So sometimes I feel really empty,
Do I come across as crazy?
Maybe my problem is I'm not sleazy,
Sex without love will never please me,
It can never truly make me happy,
So let's dance this tango,
These words you see,
Are the thoughts that resound within my head.

This is for those seeking the same destiny,
Maybe someday our eyes will meet,
One day you will be happy,
In time you will be free,
So stay strong,
It won't take too long,
Fate is the key.


(Chorus)
A passionate fire rages within me,
My thirst for love has yet to be quenched,
So sometimes I feel really empty,
Do I come across as crazy?
Maybe my problem is I'm not sleazy,
Sex without love will never please me,
It can never truly make me happy,
So let's dance this tango,
These words you see,
Are the thoughts that resound within my head.

Final Destination

Through years of trial and tribulation,
Forced smiles and rampant desolation,
I think I've finally found my way,
My path not always aligned in sight,
I know the road I follow seems right,
Though everything around me feels unfamiliar,
I am finally happy.

(Chorus)
I left home oh so long ago,
Bought a ticket for a ride far away,
When I departed,
I left without so much as a goodbye,
At a loss with no sense of closure,
I blamed myself for my misfortunes,
Lost my faith in humanity,
Questioned everything I held true shamelessly,
Secluding myself away from the world,
Forcing me to grow up and face reality,
Now I'm set to finish what I began,
This time around I have a plan.

Now that my path has been illuminated,
And I've finally awakened from my self-inflicted stupor,
I'm ready to start anew,
Open my mind and my eyes,
Look at everything from different perspectives,
See the good in everything,
Avoid that which seems contrary to my nature,
Follow my dreams and lift up my head,
Moving through the world in a different direction.


(Chorus)
I left home oh so long ago,
Bought a ticket for a ride far away,
When I departed,
I left without so much as a goodbye,
At a loss with no sense of closure,
I blamed myself for my misfortunes,
Lost my faith in humanity,
Questioned everything I held true shamelessly,
Secluding myself away from the world,
Forcing me to grow up and face reality,
Now I'm set to finish what I began,
This time around I have a plan.

I've decided to give love a second chance,
What I thought was love before,
Never truly could be,
What I felt was instead passion,
Really an attachment to an emotion I desire,
For love to be real,
It must never be one-sided,
So I'm praying that along this trip to my final destination,
I find someone who will be there,
To share with me that which I seek,
I hope that one day,
Love finds me.

Forward Momentum

For too long I've relied on my own strength,
I've been bruised, battered and broken,
So now that the picture is coming in clear,
I've taken the steps necessary to prepare,
What I'm about to reveal,

(CHORUS)
In the darkest times,
You were the light that shined the way,
When the world's weight began to crush me,
You showed the path for me to take,
When all seemed hopeless and pointless,
You gave me inspiration to keep pressing forward,
Even when you and I were distant,
You always said you'd take me back,
Thank you Lord for being in my life.

I've seen rock bottom,
It's like a pit of despair,
I've been built up to where I am now,
For the longest time I thought I was alone,
But hindsight has enlightened me,
Even in my rebellion,
God still loved me,
One day I hope to return the favor,
Show the world exactly what that means,
Be the person I was destined to be,


(CHORUS)
In the darkest times,
You were the light that shined the way,
When the world's weight began to crush me,
You showed the path for me to take,
When all seemed hopeless and pointless,
You gave me inspiration to keep pressing forward,
Even when you and I were distant,
You always said you'd take me back,
Thank you Lord for being in my life.

I'm not perfect,
But I am safe,
I'm not perfect,
But I'm saved by Grace.

International and Global Issues

            Globalization has transformed the way every single faucet of life in the entire world. What once took months to years to accomplish, can now be done in a few clicks of a mouse. Our world has grown smaller, but the issues globalization has caused have become the number one problem we face.

            America used to rein supreme and in many ways still does. Globalization, however, has caused Americans many issues and is a contributing factor to why the unemployment rate is so high. Globalization has caused many different people from many different countries to seek the same jobs. This means that instead of just being in competition with your peers from your own country, you have to compete for a job on the world market. In this newly created hypermarket, there is no guarantee that your job will be there for you when you plan to retire.

            Congress, as well as the President, have put forth very little in the way of creating jobs. Both sides of the table refuse to come together on tax reform, but it is necessary in order to bring jobs back home. Our country has to compete in the same global marketplace in order to fuel our economy. If there are places that tax cheaper and still provide roughly the same level of quality, businesses will relocate if the benefits outweigh the cost.

            Another factor in globalization is that there is extreme wealth inequality prevalent, not just throughout the world, but especially in America. Those who have the most wealth have created more and more wealth for themselves, but essentially have taken what wealth would have been spread to the masses and hoarded it. This has caused numerous issues as people can no longer find employment and then wages for what jobs they can obtain do not match inflation, nor is it truly enough to live off. The rich keep getting richer and the poor remain poorer.

            This is a huge issue that globalization has caused. By moving jobs out of the US, we have left many people fighting for the same minimum wage jobs. Today, for every job opening there are roughly six applicants wanting the position. As a human resources member at Target, I have seen people from all different levels of income, education, and age applying for the same job because of rampant unemployment.

            How does this affect our leaders today? For one, they are going to be blamed. Everything I have mentioned has one ultimate cause and that is reliance on the government to sustain those who cannot afford to otherwise make it on their own. That number is continually growing and I have outlined reasons why. If we do not do something to resolve these issues, the reliance on the government will only continue to grow and we will not be able to sustain the government whatsoever. This is already apparent looking at how much National Debt we have. Obviously most of that was caused by waging wars the past decade, but a lot of it is still because of reliance on the government.

            What can we do today to help combat the negative results of globalization? Education should be our biggest priority. Most of the unemployment issues could be solved if those people could be retrained. Why not as a contingency, whoever seeks welfare or financial assistance from the government has to take courses to help retrain them for the new job market in careers that are in demand. It could easily be done and still cost a lot less than what has been put forth by our government today.

            Another effect globalization has caused is mass financial disruption. What happens to one financial company can affect entire countries. For example, the whole Greece issue of present has caused disruptions through financial markets in America. The reason is that most banks have a global presence and what happens oversees will affect institutions here.

            Today’s leaders need to come together and do what will help the American people the most. The times we live in are very difficult and although there are many safeguards in place to help us not relive the Great Depression, we are experiencing very similar causes to it. Debt with joblessness at high rates and extreme wealth inequality lead me to believe we will be in a much bigger war someday soon. We must come together regardless of political affiliation and do whatever it takes to get us back on the world market competitively. If we fail to do so, there are several countries willing to take our place.

Professional Reading: The Fred Factor

            How can one be passionate in his work life while turning the ordinary into extraordinary? That is the goal of the book The Fred Factor, Mark Sanborn discusses in detail how one can turn his world, and other’s worlds upside down.

            The book begins with the story of Fred. He was a postman who caught Mark’s eye. Mark noticed how different Fred was from every other mail carrier he had ever had! Fred went above and beyond his job by doing little things. These little things made a huge difference in the perception Mark had of Fred.

            Fred touched the lives of everyone he encountered whilst on the job. He treated his customers extremely well, going above and beyond the call of duty to bend over backwards to help them. What makes Fred so special and different is that he does an extraordinary job at something quite ordinary. He was able to take a profession that is not known for quality customer service, and made his career into a passion that he could live. This is the essence of the book.

            The book then delves into what is known as the “Fred Principles.” The first principle is that “Everyone makes a difference” (Sanborn, 2004), meaning that no matter who you are or what your job is, you can make a difference in the world! You may not create world peace, but in your section of the world, there can indeed be peace. You can touch the lives of those around you.

            The second principle is that, “Success is built upon relationships” (Sanborn, 2004), engaging people, and by empathizing with them, you will naturally develop relationships. This concept can translate from your personal life to your business life. People are people no matter what the situation entails. If you treat others well, they will most likely reciprocate the benevolence.

            The third principle states, “You must constantly create value for others, and it doesn’t have to cost a penny” (Sanborn, 2004). How can one make a difference in someone else’s life and not spend any money doing so? This is a question businesses should be considering, especially the way the economy is tanking.

 Businesses that have short-term thinking will not be the businesses that carry on into the future. How can a business increase the value of its company without spending any money? This is quite simple, the answer is customer service! What today’s monolithic companies have failed to think through is superb customer service. How many people go to Walmart and leave feeling unsatisfied? I can tell you that their sales figures are representative of the level of discontent caused by that experience. Low prices are not everything! Consumers will pay more if one gives them more, and with that one does not have to spend any more money doing so.

The last principle is, “You can reinvent yourself regularly” (Sanborn, 2004)and every day is a fresh new start! You can choose to change the way you act or the things you say. The smallest little change can be a catalyst for long-term change. You can start each morning and decide that you want to be a certain way, yet the only thing that holds you back is you!

A major theme throughout the book is that the only person holding them back from this state of nirvana is themselves. They control their own destiny; the choices we choose can either make or break relationships. This concept is applicable for all levels of relationships and can be applied appropriately. A nugget of wisdom from Mark states, “It is harder to be miserable, negative, and insincere than it is to be happy, positive, and genuine.” (Sanborn, 2004). So in reality, we try harder being bitter than we do to be happy. We are born empathetic and if we instead followed what is truly natural, the world would be a much better place!

            How does one build better relationships? The book outlines seven ways in which to build those relationships. The first is to be real. This is extremely important when it comes to leadership. People will be more apt to trust you if you are yourself. They will know what to expect and won’t think of you as being “two-faced.” This is a motto everyone should live by. If we all were true to ourselves and to others, there would be no veil of secrecy between people.

            To truly understand another, you should be interested in what others have to say. It is not enough to nod your head and smile. That is only a superficial gesture that means you aren’t listening and that the other person’s time isn’t worth much. If we don’t truly take an interest in what others say, how can we better understand them?

            Be empathetic with others. It’s easy to judge others based on outer appearances, but it’s important to not judge a book by its cover. You may not know the whole situation and could lose a chance to meet an amazing person because of preconceived notions you contrived within your mind. By empathizing with others, you will better understand them. This is just as true when it comes to leadership. You need to empathize with those who follow you; otherwise they will think that you only have interest in yourself and your status.

            Be honest with yourself and with others. Honesty is in short supply these days and those who remain honest are looked upon with utter reverence. How can you lead others if you simply cannot tell the truth? If only the world were only slightly more honest, there would be less tension in the air. One of my greatest strengths is my absolute honesty. I always tell the truth, because it’s that important to me.

            By being helpful and prompt you can serve others more efficiently. The big idea of this book is that by serving others, you serve yourself, even if that means you aren’t rewarded. The reward is the action you do to help others. This can be applied to a multitude of ideas, but its greatest impact is within the business world. If you are helpful and prompt, your customers will remain loyal to you. That’s extremely important if you wish to be a profitable organization.

            Exactly how can all of this be applied to leadership? By using the FRED principles, you can create a change within yourself that is contagious in others. Mark states that “…one of the best kept secrets of competing successfully: having Fred-like employees at every level in your organization” (Sanborn, 2004). Let’s ponder for a moment just how profound this statement truly is. If everyone in your organization, group, etc. were to employ these traits, you would compete successfully. This, I believe, is the future of business. This is exactly how businesses were in the 1950s. I believe we are gravitating back to that era in the sense that customer service must once again be a priority. Those businesses that indeed do apply this notion of life in general will be some of the most successful.

            I truly cannot say I disagree with anything in this book. I’ve decided to go the extra mile for others, even when I may not want to. I feel that by applying these principles to my life, not only will I be a better person, but I will create better relationships with others. I know that the wisdom this book speaks about is indeed beneficial for anyone who is a leader. That can be any form, whether you are a parent, own a business, or are just a person people look up to. As Gandhi once said, “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Bibliography

Sanborn, M. (2004). The Fred Factor. United States of America: Doubleday.

Portrait of a Natural Leader

            In business as in life, personality can be the difference between profitability and being able to remain in business. As part of my leadership development, I have been required to take the Jung Typology personality test. What follows are my scores, strengths and weaknesses. As well as to why the personality type I achieved is a highly desirable type.

            I am an ENFJ. What does that mean exactly? Well, ENFJ means that I am an “Extraverted Intuitive Feeling Judging” (ENFJ ) person. For each of the letters, I also was given the strength of preferences percentage. The report follows:

Extraverted	Intuitive	Feeling	Judging
33%	62%	38%	44%

(ENFJ )

            ENFJ’s represent about two to five percent of the entire general population (Keirsey), meaning I am a very unique individual. There are not many individuals out there who can handle people and business the way I do. ENFJ’s are outstanding leaders, because of our unusual charisma, which can persuade others to follow us instinctively. We place a very high value on cooperation with others whilst being the most willing to cooperate ourselves.

            We are one of the most tolerant types of people in the world. We are willing to listen to others views, consider them and reflect upon them; even if we choose to not accept them. This is quite important in the business world where ideas are thrown around constantly, because of our highly adept empathetic prowess; we are keen on sensing others perspectives. I cannot stress how important that open-mindedness is to develop business relationships. We truly try and get to know our clients, employees, family, friends, etc. We can read and understand their motivations, regardless if they are hidden or visible.

            We are typically caring, warm individuals who believe in making a difference in the world. We strive to develop and maintain harmony in everything we participate in. We are natural diplomats, with eloquence in language and speech. In groups, or even alone, we are not afraid to speak up and say what we think. Even in the face of being a part of the minority, we will stand up for what we believe in.

            In management, we are nurturing and supportive. We look out for those whom we manage and do what is in their best interest. We are persuasive and tactful, mindful of how words and actions affect others. We see the big picture and are “intrigued with new possibilities…that…make the world a better place” (ENFJ ). We are motivated to understand others and are very enthusiastic about the joys and pains others endure.

            We are very introspective, even though we speak how we feel. We are masters of the unconscious and have clarity of perception that borders on genius. We use what we learn of ourselves and apply it to others in hopes of calling out their potential. We see all the possibilities and work to help others see those possibilities also.

            I, myself, am all of these characteristics. My mission in life is to change the world by shaking up the music industry. I plan to change the way people look at music and its sale, consumption, and marketing. I have my sights said on the big media companies who own and control most of the music in the world.  Leadership has always attracted me and called out my name, seemingly encompassing a passion to assume a leadership role in everything I do.

            For every positive trait, there is still room for growth. Some of the opportunities ENFJ’s have to work on are minor, but they are still important to consider. We can be idealistic, which in and of it itself is not bad. However, idealism can cause us to romanticize personal relationships and elevate them to an unattainable level. We expect out of others everything we expect of ourselves. We sometimes take communication for granted and forget others may not have understood everything we said.

            In spite of the fact that we are naturally empathetic, we sometimes over-extend ourselves emotionally. ENFJs get deeply involved in the problems of others and take on the problems of others that we cannot handle. We are sensitive creatures that are in tune with the world around us. This is why we can be hurt or abused easily by others. We forget that others are not always as accepting as we are. We have a chance of losing our identity because we unconsciously over-identify with others. In these cases we may neglect ourselves for the benefit of another.

            We are built with a tremendous power to manipulate others. We can use our influence and ability to speak and to change hearts and minds, but if we are not careful our persuasion can be misdirected. Thankfully, most ENFJs would never even consider manipulating a person for their own gain. Although at times we may unwittingly overpower our friends and colleagues with our ability to maneuver our words.

            When we do wrong someone, we tend to experience an out of proportion sense of guilt. We may even be hesitant to ask for help out of not wanting to appear weak. We may over-analyze a situation or may jump in without considering all the consequences first, usually when dealing with personal relationships.

            There are quite a few famous ENFJ’s, which include: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Ronald Regan, Andy Griffith, Sean Connery, Tommy Lee Jones, Michael Jordan, Johnny Depp, Ben Stiller, Ben Affleck, and Peyton Manning. Each of these people made an impact on the world in some sort of fashion. My goal one day is to be listed among these people, but for my own reasons.

            I was born to lead and achieve greatness. My life purpose is to make others see the potential in themselves and to change the world one smile at a time. I am one of a select few who truly empathize with the world and hope to do whatever is necessary to bring happiness to all, whether that would be in our close relationships or in our work life. ENFJ’s are desirable people because of what we do naturally. We have insight into the thoughts and motivations of others. What better person could you want on your sales team? We will improve the quality of life of all those who encounter us. ENFJs are the dictionary definition of leader.

Bibliography

Butt, J. (2005, February 23). Extraverted Intuitive Feeling Judging. Retrieved September 11, 2011, from UNC.edu: ftp://sunsite.unc.edu/pub/academic/psychology/alt.psychology.personality/profiles/enfj.html

ENFJ . (n.d.). Retrieved September 11, 2011, from Human Metrics: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp

Keirsey, D. D. (n.d.). Idealist: Portrait of the Teacher. Retrieved September 11, 2011, from Keirsey.com: http://keirsey.com/4temps/teacher.asp

            

Reaction to Stimulus Package Debate (2008)

Democrats push $50 billion stimulus plan on top of $700 billion bank rescue.

Macroeconomics

Jeff Bailey

October 7, 2008

            In a time of panic and a collapsing financial market, the government has stepped in to try and jumpstart the economy. The proposed bill would give troubled banks money to keep them from going bankrupt as well as give the American people a stimulus check to encourage spending. All this will have a positive effect in the short term, but looking at the long term effects, this will have been forgotten.

            Pushing for this plan is futile. The plan would put us even more in debt to foreign countries and would not help the economy very much overall. In the article it said “…in the short run, could be as small as one-tenth of 1 percent per quarter. That is not enough to turn the slump in the economy around. Our economy is the way it is because the people who are in power, who have created this bailout plan, are the ones who let this happen because government oversight in the housing and mortgage industries was pretty much non-existent. Although the idea behind it makes sense, in economic properties, this plan just makes no sense. We are footing the bill for many large corporations whose greed lead to where we are now. Why should the US taxpayers be forced to pay for their idiocy? They shouldn’t, there are too many other things to worry about, such as inflation. Using all this money to bailout these banks is going to increase the national debt and put the strain on our children’s generation.

            During this whole bailout debate, republicans and democrats have argued purely for political reasons (re-election is coming up soon) and not looking at the whole picture. I don’t want to have to pay for other people’s mistakes, especially since I know if I had a loan and defaulted, the banks, nor the government would step in and bail me out. I would be on my own in a world of trouble. To me this is unfair and is very similar to fascism, which is when the government buys key industries for the betterment of the whole. If we want to fight this recession, we have to cut our spending. There are many ways to do that. There are many government programs that need not exist, and others that do not function correctly anymore. If we were to end the Iraq war tomorrow, we would save over $700 million a day. That would allow us to cut down the national debt. Another way would be to cut military spending by bringing everyone home and closing down foreign bases. This would also allow more money to be spent on other programs that are needed more such as health or education. There is so much wasteful spending in this country and that has a lot to do with who is in power. Speaking of power, the current president has the most power delegated to him than any other president in history.

I think the best course of action for America to do is to start worrying about our own people first. We need to take care of each other here before we can take care of the rest of the world. We can use the money we have on things that are so much better and would be more beneficial. People should be mad about this and do something about it. The money the banks get can be used for anything they want to use it for, rather than the government telling them how to use it to re-stabilize the financial industry. $188 billion dollars per day was created by the Federal Reserve to help the failing financial sector, and that was on top of the stimulus package and the bailout.  If the bailout would have not been passed, a back-up plan was created that would give $630 billion to the financial markets. In just one week, we have handed out over a trillion dollars to these banks, and we the taxpayers will see no benefit from that.

            In conclusion, I say let the banks fall. It’s about time corporate greed caught up to the CEO’s of the banks that are failing. With risk comes consequences, good and bad, but for America to take on the burden of the risks of a few is just plain ridiculous. America is no longer the land of the free, but rather the land of greed.

A New Perspective

 

Hello Internet-land. I am updating my blog in a span of time less than four months! You all should be proud of me (whomever reads this anyway).

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out what the best course of action to take. It’s been rough, I feel like I’ve been doing the same thing for the past couple of years now. At least since I moved to North Carolina. I feel like that was the first step in a long process. Although, the past couple of years were a period of painful trials for me, I made it through. I have a feeling I know how, but more on that later.

Now I have some different trials, but these I feel like I can accomplish. I’m working on bettering myself everyday. That means in everything I do. It’s not easy, but it has to be done for my sake. So I’m trying to become healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually. I believe these three things tied together will make a difference to my whole being.

So let’s start with how I am working on bettering myself. Mentally is one of my hardest battles, as I tend to internalize most of my problems and not really speak of them. It’s kind of ironic because I always try to get people to tell me what they think and feel. I guess its to make up for what I want to say, but find difficulty in actually saying. That was one reason why I started writing songs. It in a way said what I felt at that time. Usually with me, when I write I have to be either extremely happy or extremely sad. I’m hoping to change that. Even though I am quite happy now! I’m still trying to figure out what my motivation is. Why is it that I have continued on as I have and not given up on school? Why is that so important to me? Therein lies my problem with my mental health. I do not yet understand my deeper purpose. I do believe it will be revealed when the time is right, but I feel like until then I am slightly lost.

Secondly, my physicality. I have been working on making myself healthier. It started when school started. Walking everywhere and taking the stairs helped me to drop a considerable amount of fat I had accumulated in my lethargic stage. I should have never gotten like I did, but I was pretty depressed. So that was my start. I’ve been trying to work out consistently and building my endurance with running as well. So far so good! It feels weird when I don’t work out, so I feel like it has developed into a habit. It’s a good habit to have too. It’s also changed how I look, as I am a lot more fit and I look fit. I’ve also been building muscle, which is new to me because I was always just skinny, I never really had any decent muscle mass. So things that used to be kind of heavy (such as pop can cases) I can grab one handed with ease! It was weird when I did that and felt no strain. It made me realize just how far I have come physically. I am not all the way where I want to be, but I am well on my way!

My last focus is my spirituality. I became an agnostic for several reasons. One, I was tired of how churches I had been too treated me and my family. My extended family treated me the same for most of my life. My mom and I were seen as outcasts because she was remarrying and I was not my father’s actual birth son. Kind of hard on a kid who just wanted a Dad. So when my brother was born, it was even tougher because they saw him as an actual family member and me and my mom were just there for the ride. Anyway, this just kind of turned me off to being a Christian because my mom was judged for having me out of wedlock. Even though they never directly said it to me, they treated me in the same regard. I did the whole church thing and it wasn’t for me. At least not the churches I went to. Fast forward to quite a few years later. A group of people whom I discussed religious matter almost on the daily turned me off to being a Christian. I was trying to get back into it and read the bible and explain what I interpreted and how I questioned certain things I read. Rather than not judge me, and even after I tried really hard to explain what I thought was the deeper message of the bible, they attacked me. I was called a fake Christian, a lukewarm Christian, A wolf in sheep's clothing, the anti-Christ, etc. It just made me not want to associate myself with Christianity. I thought to myself, how could I be like someone who treats brothers and sisters like this. So I gave it up.

Yesterday I was invited to go to something called Intervarsity. It was a bunch of Christians who had a fellowship and had a message. The message was about repentance and it got me thinking. The one speaker lady (sorry I forgot your name), spoke about how Jesus wants to reintroduce himself to you. Some of the people I met here, namely Danielle and Kendra have acted like what I was trying to be when I was a Christian. They do not judge others because they sin, instead they try to show others love. This is what has made me reconsider my position because I am not alone in this philosophy if you will. So I am rethinking it.

Now I say I am agnostic, but let me define it so you can understand that agnostic can be one of 100’s of views. I believe in God, always have. I look at the world around me and see that this can’t all be by chance. I can see intelligence in the design of everything natural. It’s too perfect to be a fluke. I kept my relationship with God. I didn’t really read the bible because I have issues with it at times, but I did and still do pray a lot. The other night I prayed for God to give me a clear path to bettering myself and making things all work out for me. Lo and behold two days later Danielle invites me to Intervarsity. So I said sure, and I went into it with an open mind.

I had a good time, the people are nice and I feel like that they believe as I do. What really got me was how they are going to hold up signs today to apologize for the way Christians act towards others at times. That really took ahold of me because I had been attacked by Christians AS a Christian.

So where does this go from here exactly? I am not quite sure, but I know if I continue to let the lord guide my steps, I am sure to do what is right and do things the way they should be done.

Anyway, that’s all for now, I just felt like writing out some of my thoughts because I never really do. It’s also good because someday I can look back on my writings and see where I came from and how I have evolved my perspective over time. It’s good for reflection. So anyway I bid you adieu my secret readers.

Peace and Love.

A Fresh Start

Hello inhabitants of Internet land. It’s been a while since I last updated my blog. It’s probably about time to do so, especially since there have been many changes in my life.

So guess what? I’m finally at ECU! It’s been a long time coming, FOR SURE. I’m really happy here. I made the right decision. I’ve made some good friends and I’m doing pretty well grade-wise. Hopefully that will continue. I also work at Target in human resources, which is right up my alley. The Greenville American Eagle has no idea what they passed up lol. Even with rave reviews from all my old managers at Goldsboro, they still declined to hire me. It was for the best anyway, as I don’t have to worry about crappy hours anymore. I get PLENTY at target, maybe even too many lol.

I believe this is a fresh start for me. After all I have overcome to make it to this point, never once giving up on the belief that one day I will finally graduate college. I feel like it was fate for me to end up here in the time frame of now. I had to learn a lot about many different things so I could understand the larger picture in life.

I also needed to update this blog because all the other entries are pretty bleak. Which is quite different from how I feel now. I haven’t been happy in such a long time that I almost forget what it was to be happy. That’s all changed hardcore. I’m finding happiness in the littlest things anymore.

I have also been investing in myself as well. I have been trying to incorporate healthy living into my routine. Minus this week, I’ve been doing pretty well. This week is because of a certain circumstance, but I’ll hopefully be back at it right away starting Monday of next week.

I’ve been at school for about a month and a half now and have gotten back into the swing of things. There’s a lot more work to be done at this level, but so far I am managing. I’ve got really good friends too. I have some that like to get into shenanigans and others who help to keep me balanced and focused.

Last weekend was a terrible weekend for me, but at the same time it was enlightening. I got punched in the face and am pretty sure gained a concussion out of it. I’m still feeling it a week later and it is why I haven’t worked out much this week. It was so bad that Monday I had to call off work and I missed two classes. Moral of the story was that I am done drinking for a while, even though the reason why I was punched was pretty stupid. Didn’t punch the person back thought, wouldn’t change anything. However, I won’t be so naïve and trusting to people I don’t know at all.

Other than that everything is great haha. Having a headache for so long sucks, but it was a sign that I needed to focus my energies elsewhere. I can use the time and money for much better things (like saving?). Plus it’s just not something I need in my life constantly.

So I have an interest in a particular girl, which I’m fairly sure is obvious. I’m not pushing things and letting things happen as they may, but she definitely intrigues me. We’ll see how that goes as time progresses. I just felt I should mention it since I’m mentioning everything else.

This weekend is fall break, so after work on Saturday I’ll be heading home to visit with the family for the weekend. I’ll also have some homework to work on as well though BLAH. I’ll probably do that at night. I will most likely go visit my AE crew since they were the closest thing I had to friends when I was in Goldsboro. It’s going to be weird going back. I wonder if my perception will be any different. Like that place is dreary to me and reminds me of how things were. I like things the way they are now, so hopefully I’ll still be cheerful .

Hmmm, what else should I say? I’m not sure what else to write about. Just glad I met the people I have and that everything is finally better! This is something I needed for sure. I look forward to the next set of adventures and shenanigans.

 

Until next time my friends, peace and love.

DJ JREY Presents: Resolve

An emotional roller coaster, beginning with the discomfort of dissonance moving toward inward reflection of the soul. In the end, Resolve is obtained and motivation is gained.

My Secret

Distant faces from distant places,
Fate has brought us together again,
Sometimes questions are better off unanswered,
Especially when the truth is finally revealed

The words I desire to array,
Seem to forever remain in juxtaposition,
The contradictions between my heart and head,
These dual natures nullifying my prescription,
My brain screams to act based upon reason,
When my heart says to do what I feel is right,
Fear of failure obstructs my field of vision

There is much I want to convey,
That a part of me is missing,
That I’m scared of what the future may hold,
I never really do believe what I am told,
I fight against every decision,
Wondering if it’s on a path of precision,
So my thoughts are buried

My call to action,
Isolated within another faction,
What I say,
I do not mean,
What I mean,
I do not say,
For it would not be fair,
Because I no longer reside,
Mountains surround you,
While I am perched directly near the sea,
Follow me and hear the truth of what I say,
Read between the lines and look for the signs,
Does this resemble anything?
If it weren’t for you,
I’d be long lost within a deep, dark chasm

Fact portrayed through silly sarcasm,
You never get to hear my side,
I never tell you that in you alone I confide,
That only you know my whole life,
Yet you accept everything about me I resent,
Through my obtuseness,
I reveal a glaring solution,
That I hope to one day call you mine,
These words are never spoken,
Because the pain distance brings,
Almost became the death of me

So here is the life I lead,
A front for my ambiguity,
How do you create a sense of perfection?
In the only medium free from partition,
The line between truth and fiction,
That not a day passes by,
Without silhouettes of you,
Penetrating my mind

Right beneath my nose,
Eyes as beautiful as a rose,
Completely within plain sight,
With every reunion,
Passion coupled by confusion,
Time has always been,
My greatest enemy,
But forgive my admonition,
My problem a cause of condition

How can one describe what they hold inside,
If they never understood the plight,
How do you prove a particular state of existence,
One that cannot professed except by sensation

Plato wrote of universals,
One word spoke for all,
For what I imply,
It’s love.

DJ JREY: Remunerate

It has been way too long since I brought to you a featured artist or a playlist. So here is some of the songs I have put together for a melodic playlist. Every playlist is a story of my life. The theme of this playlist is Remuneration.

To Remunerate is to, “to pay an equivalent to for a service, loss, or expense.” Maybe you can find the context for the decision to name the playlist as I have. I leave it to you, the listener, to derive that theory on your own. I’d be more than willing to address it in the comments.

1) Boys Like Girls- The First One

2) Ten After Two- Believe Me

3) Architects- Heartburn

4) Just Surrender- Crazy

5) The Jealousy Game- The Shakedown

6) The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- Atrophy

7) Bullet for My Valentine- Hearts Burst into Fire

8) Chunk! No Captain Chunk!- Summer Heat

9) In Fear and Faith- Heavy Lies the Crown

10) The Color Morale- Human(s) Being

11) Abandon All Ships- Family Goretrait

12) All That Remains- The Waiting One

13) 3OH3!- Déjà Vu

14) Picture Me Broken- Live is Evil Spelled Backwards

15) Angels and Airwaves- The Flight of Apollo

16) We Are Defiance- Sincerity

17) Cute is What We Aim For- Loser

18) Before Their Eyes- Not Alone

19) Go Radio- In Our Final Hour

 

Approximate Runtime: 1 Hour 10 Minutes 54 Seconds

Holding Back

I was once lost and confused,

However, now I see past the haze,

My mistakes constantly remind me,

Of how much further I have left to grow,

Time was my greatest enemy,

It made me more bitter with each passing year

 

[Chorus]

Now I’m stuck in slow motion,

Just dying for a taste of her love potion,

The stars shine down on me,

When you look at the sky,

You’ll see what I see,

I guess you were right when you said I look lonely,

Don’t you know I’m just looking for a place that’s homely,

I’ve taken a back-seat approach to my life,

Hence all the turmoil and strife,

Fighting just to give in,

Silence my escape from them

 

My motivation seems to be lacking,

Do you find yourself asking,

Where is he going?

What kinds of seeds is he sowing?

Did I tell you about my sense of direction,

Maybe the fact that I don’t have one,

Planning ahead seems to baffle me,

Living my life outside of reality,

If home is where the heart is,

Then my heart is in Ohio,

It never left from there,

Just my physical being,

Especially when all I have to go on,

Are the memories of what was,

But can never be

 

I’m tired of feeling useless,

I’m trying to find my purpose,

Why is that so hard for me?

I can not settle for mediocrity,

So hard not to give in to apathy,

I live for the times when I go home,

This road I’m on seems cold,

Am I doing what is right?

 

[Chorus]

Now I’m stuck in slow motion,

Just dying for a taste of her love potion,

The stars shine down on me,

When you look at the sky,

You’ll see what I see,

I guess you were right when you said I look lonely,

Don’t you know I’m just looking for a place that’s homely,

I’ve taken a back-seat approach to my life,

Hence all the turmoil and strife,

Fighting just to give in,

Silence my escape from them

 

How can I help anyone else,

If I can’t even help myself,

I put myself through so much misery,

I don’t even remember how to speak my mind,

The words I want to say never come to fruition,

Just some lines tattered and broken,

My thoughts left unspoken,

The seal breaking and cracking,

When will it ever be enough?

I just want to be loved,

I think I more than deserve it

On my Mind

It is so hard for me to write what I think. I have so many ideas, opinions et cetera, but I can not seem to to focus my energies on writing it out. This isn’t good, I want to express myself. I don’t really care if anyone cares to listen, but I need to be able to write out what I feel.

I haven’ written a song in forever either. I’ve become complacent and I don’t do a whole lot of anything. I speak of action, but I have yet to really do anything at all. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it is just the point in my life. I feel like this is the worst part of my life thus far.

I love my family, but I feel like two years of my life are gone. I feel like I wasted my time here in Goldsboro. There is nothing here for me and there will never will be. The people here are not people I can spend my time around. In the two years I’ve been here, I have yet to make a single friend. Does that sound at all like me? NO!

I don’t do anything and it shows. I’m not like I used to be, yet I am completely like I was.It’s like my body is lost and my mind is not. I am alive in my head, but I am just a drone when I walk the Earth. All I do is go to school or work. Now I’m out of school, so I only work. I really don’t do anything

I used to feel I had a purpose, now I’m not so sure of anything. I don’t know where to go or what to do. It seems the only thing I have going for me is that I am going to East Carolina in the fall. Woohoo another college, Hopefully I fair better this time around. This will be the fifth college I go to. It is the last college I will go to.

I am uneasy about the transition. Will I finally fit in? I’m gonna be 24 when I leave, older than everyone. Will it be the same or will I finally be able to be a part of something. These past two years have been absolute hell and I brought it on myself. I chose this for me in hopes that I would do better and education-wise I sure am. Grades have improved dramatically as well as my work ethic too.

I really miss my friends. What friends I have anyway. I know of about two who actually try and stay in touch with me. I gave up Facebook and then returned pathetically because I realized I would be much more alone without it since my friends weren’t going to bother keeping in touch with me.

I’m not very good at keeping in touch either, but I think that if people tried talking to me, I would try to talk back. Jamie keeps in regular contact with me. Mikey tries to but I am bad about responding back and I need to stop because I miss that guy a lot too.

I hate this feeling of loneliness. It’s all I know anymore and it is rather pathetic. All I have are my memories and those can’t keep me going. Maybe that explains my apathy or at least it gives me an excuse for being like I am.

Work stresses me the hell out. I work my ass off and make that store tons of money and I can barely get 15 hours a week worth of work! I’d go apply other places, but there aren’t very many places hiring, let alone places that would put my skills to use. I miss how it used to be, where I was actually used for a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a placeholder. I just do the shift lead job as a temporary hold until they can find someone to take over the role. But whatever, I don’t take my personal problems to work and I shouldn’t take my work home.

What am I going to do? I am excited about the fall, yet I am extremely nervous. I want things to work out and I want to get out on my own. I want to get used to the area so I can get my own apartment eventually and stop having to rely on my parents to take care of me. I’m too old to be here at home, but here I am.

Being here just reminds me of how much I have failed, but my one redeeming quality is that I haven’t given up. However, when all is said and done, I’m going to pay for my miscalculations and my indecisiveness. I hope I can figure that out too, but I don’t plan to worry about that until it happens.

I have so much I want to do. I want to make a difference in this world, but I can never figure out where to start. My life lacks direction and because of that I lack motivation. I need to find my path, but my path is far from clear. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what will help, but I can’t continue on like this. I’m slowly dying inside because all I have is me.

I can’t talk with my parents about how I truly feel. I have never been able to. I love them, but they never could really understand me. What I think about the world only angers them. What I know about life only infuriates them. What I feel about how things are at home only makes them make me feel guilty. I cannot freely speak my mind and that dampers my spirit.

I have only been able to pray and it seems to be the only way I can be sane. I have come to realize a great deal about myself through this turmoil. I know what I want in certain regards, but getting to that point is beyond my reach. I’m tired, oh so tired, of being single. I hate it here even more because all the people my age are A) married or B) have kids, or both. I live near a military base so it is expected. It’s another reason why I can’t wait to leave. I want to get away from this “country idealism”.

I watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist last night. It is now one of my favorite movies. Nick in the movie (Michael Cera) is almost exactly how I am in real life. So I have decided on how to find my soul mate. We must match very closely in musical tastes. I’m looking for my musical soul mate.

I got my haircut yesterday. Right after work I went to a random place I had never been. They did a good job, though it’s pretty short (like I wanted). It’ll just take me some time to get used to it considering I let my hair get too long and curly. GOD I hate my curls. I’d love to just have straight hair.

Well that’s all for now, I just needed to ramble a bit.

Good night all.