Wednesday, May 25, 2011

On my Mind

It is so hard for me to write what I think. I have so many ideas, opinions et cetera, but I can not seem to to focus my energies on writing it out. This isn’t good, I want to express myself. I don’t really care if anyone cares to listen, but I need to be able to write out what I feel.

I haven’ written a song in forever either. I’ve become complacent and I don’t do a whole lot of anything. I speak of action, but I have yet to really do anything at all. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it is just the point in my life. I feel like this is the worst part of my life thus far.

I love my family, but I feel like two years of my life are gone. I feel like I wasted my time here in Goldsboro. There is nothing here for me and there will never will be. The people here are not people I can spend my time around. In the two years I’ve been here, I have yet to make a single friend. Does that sound at all like me? NO!

I don’t do anything and it shows. I’m not like I used to be, yet I am completely like I was.It’s like my body is lost and my mind is not. I am alive in my head, but I am just a drone when I walk the Earth. All I do is go to school or work. Now I’m out of school, so I only work. I really don’t do anything

I used to feel I had a purpose, now I’m not so sure of anything. I don’t know where to go or what to do. It seems the only thing I have going for me is that I am going to East Carolina in the fall. Woohoo another college, Hopefully I fair better this time around. This will be the fifth college I go to. It is the last college I will go to.

I am uneasy about the transition. Will I finally fit in? I’m gonna be 24 when I leave, older than everyone. Will it be the same or will I finally be able to be a part of something. These past two years have been absolute hell and I brought it on myself. I chose this for me in hopes that I would do better and education-wise I sure am. Grades have improved dramatically as well as my work ethic too.

I really miss my friends. What friends I have anyway. I know of about two who actually try and stay in touch with me. I gave up Facebook and then returned pathetically because I realized I would be much more alone without it since my friends weren’t going to bother keeping in touch with me.

I’m not very good at keeping in touch either, but I think that if people tried talking to me, I would try to talk back. Jamie keeps in regular contact with me. Mikey tries to but I am bad about responding back and I need to stop because I miss that guy a lot too.

I hate this feeling of loneliness. It’s all I know anymore and it is rather pathetic. All I have are my memories and those can’t keep me going. Maybe that explains my apathy or at least it gives me an excuse for being like I am.

Work stresses me the hell out. I work my ass off and make that store tons of money and I can barely get 15 hours a week worth of work! I’d go apply other places, but there aren’t very many places hiring, let alone places that would put my skills to use. I miss how it used to be, where I was actually used for a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a placeholder. I just do the shift lead job as a temporary hold until they can find someone to take over the role. But whatever, I don’t take my personal problems to work and I shouldn’t take my work home.

What am I going to do? I am excited about the fall, yet I am extremely nervous. I want things to work out and I want to get out on my own. I want to get used to the area so I can get my own apartment eventually and stop having to rely on my parents to take care of me. I’m too old to be here at home, but here I am.

Being here just reminds me of how much I have failed, but my one redeeming quality is that I haven’t given up. However, when all is said and done, I’m going to pay for my miscalculations and my indecisiveness. I hope I can figure that out too, but I don’t plan to worry about that until it happens.

I have so much I want to do. I want to make a difference in this world, but I can never figure out where to start. My life lacks direction and because of that I lack motivation. I need to find my path, but my path is far from clear. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what will help, but I can’t continue on like this. I’m slowly dying inside because all I have is me.

I can’t talk with my parents about how I truly feel. I have never been able to. I love them, but they never could really understand me. What I think about the world only angers them. What I know about life only infuriates them. What I feel about how things are at home only makes them make me feel guilty. I cannot freely speak my mind and that dampers my spirit.

I have only been able to pray and it seems to be the only way I can be sane. I have come to realize a great deal about myself through this turmoil. I know what I want in certain regards, but getting to that point is beyond my reach. I’m tired, oh so tired, of being single. I hate it here even more because all the people my age are A) married or B) have kids, or both. I live near a military base so it is expected. It’s another reason why I can’t wait to leave. I want to get away from this “country idealism”.

I watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist last night. It is now one of my favorite movies. Nick in the movie (Michael Cera) is almost exactly how I am in real life. So I have decided on how to find my soul mate. We must match very closely in musical tastes. I’m looking for my musical soul mate.

I got my haircut yesterday. Right after work I went to a random place I had never been. They did a good job, though it’s pretty short (like I wanted). It’ll just take me some time to get used to it considering I let my hair get too long and curly. GOD I hate my curls. I’d love to just have straight hair.

Well that’s all for now, I just needed to ramble a bit.

Good night all.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

DJ JREY: Moving Forward

Well, been a little while since I have made an update. Today I bring you a playlist I've been working on. If you don't know I go by DJ Jrey. It is something that has stuck over the years when a friend started calling me it.

This playlist is a symbol, or a collection of thoughts of mine that I have felt over the past six years. It is a representation of everything I have ever wanted to say and it explains how I have felt over the years, the good and the bad times.

I hope that whomever sees this enjoys this playlist as much as I enjoy these songs. They remind me of so many things and someone in particular who helped shape my life, whether good or bad.


1) 30 Seconds to Mars- From Yesterday



2) I See Stars- It Will Be Up (High School Never Ends)


3) Hawthorne Heights- Disaster

4) Yellowcard- Sing for Me

5) Close to Home- Picking up the Pieces

6) The Audition- He is What You Want

7) A Bullet for Pretty Boy- The Deceiver

8) You Me At Six- Rescue Me (Ft. Chiddy Bang)

9) Silverstein- Replace You

10) One Republic- Apologize

11) Secondhand Serenade- Goodbye

12) Mayday Parade- Still Breathing

13) Bayside- Killing Time

14) Blind Pilot- One Red Thread

15) Go Audio- I'm With You (Don't Tell Me)


16) Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows- I'm Here to Take the Sky

17) Hawk Nelson- One Shot

18) All Time Low- Remembering Sunday

19) Before Their Eyes- Finding A Way


So there you have it. It took six years to come to a playlist like this. I hope you liked what was presented. Let me know in the comments. I don't care if it's like three years from now. That's the beauty of music, it can transcend time. In this case, these set of songs take me back to yesteryear.

These are all great artists. A few may be one hit wonders and some you may have never heard, but I hope that the way they make me feel also make others feel the same. I believe that music can help us relate to one another. In this world, that's exactly what we need.

This was my first ever shared playlist. I hope Google keeps it forever. Peace and love my friends.