Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Have You Ever Felt this Way?
This makes me think of you and all the shit you put me through. All I ever tried to do was to love you with all my heart. I even moved back just to be with you. I did everything I could to prove to you how much I cared. Over the years you drifted in and out when it was convenient. Why couldn't you be true to yourself and show everyone who you truly are. You are a great person, other than the fact you played me like a fiddle. I ate it all up too because in my heart I had always hoped there might be some glimmer of hope, just some notion that you still loved me. You put the distance between us first, so I packed my bags and left to another state.
Even after you distanced yourself from me, I keep dreaming. That's what gets me. I don't see you anymore, but you still appear in my dreams. EVEN when I didn't even think about you. You broke my heart over and over, for what revenge? Spite? What? Why did you tell me you love me and then leave, then over and over again? Was I too strong in my love? I'm not sorry for loving you with everything I had in me. I wouldn't change that because even though I put up with so much shit and heartache, when I was with you, I felt the happiest I had been in years.
I never opened up to anyone like I did. I let down my guard and I got slapped in the face. When you left for the last time, our friends asked me, "You really loved her didn't you." Of course I did, I loved you more than life itself, you know what I mean by that, or at least you should. You used to care about me, at least I thought you did but maybe you just liked the thrill of the chase and how I was always waiting around.
I can't wait anymore, I've waited for four years hoping we'd come around. I thought maybe that one day this pain would go away, but even when I try and block it out, you still appear. It's as if life wants me to remain in pain. I had to leave our home because I was wasting my time and my life praying that we would be. I guess you call it dedication, or commitment to love, something I guess you aren't sure about. A word of advice, don't make promises you can't keep, you'll just end up hurting.
Now I know I chose this path, and the consequences are mine and mine alone. BUT you have never seen all the times I've cried thinking about you. I know it has to be in the hundreds or more. I'm not guilt tripping you and I could never tell you this to your face because I have never wanted to hurt you. I always said as long as you are happy, that's what I want. It's what I've always done, I have always put you first. I never think about myself, I believe in altruism, but karma is such a bitch I suppose. I hope you find everything you want in life and succeed beyond all your dreams, because even though you've put me through so much pain, you also were there during crucial moments of my life.
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, I'm different from all the rest, but you knew that from the start. You tested me at every turn, why? Why? WHY would I lie? Couldn't you see it in my eyes? You know when our eyes met and YOU LOOKED away. Is it shame? What is it, was it just too hard to see the hurt in my eyes? You don't know my pain, because pain shouldn't last this long.
I guess I was not enough, you had to get a taste for my friends too. No one person cal please you I suppose, you need someone always even though you always had someone from the start and didn't recognize that. Through everything I told you I was there and you didn't care.
Now I'm just writing what I feel, I don't hate you, I never have and I never will. But you must realize the pain you've caused me. I can no longer keep it inside because it is ruining my life. I have no one to talk deeply to, everyone in my life fades away. It's always been that way. You are no different.
Just know the reason for my pain...
I still fucking love you and it hurts.
Even after you distanced yourself from me, I keep dreaming. That's what gets me. I don't see you anymore, but you still appear in my dreams. EVEN when I didn't even think about you. You broke my heart over and over, for what revenge? Spite? What? Why did you tell me you love me and then leave, then over and over again? Was I too strong in my love? I'm not sorry for loving you with everything I had in me. I wouldn't change that because even though I put up with so much shit and heartache, when I was with you, I felt the happiest I had been in years.
I never opened up to anyone like I did. I let down my guard and I got slapped in the face. When you left for the last time, our friends asked me, "You really loved her didn't you." Of course I did, I loved you more than life itself, you know what I mean by that, or at least you should. You used to care about me, at least I thought you did but maybe you just liked the thrill of the chase and how I was always waiting around.
I can't wait anymore, I've waited for four years hoping we'd come around. I thought maybe that one day this pain would go away, but even when I try and block it out, you still appear. It's as if life wants me to remain in pain. I had to leave our home because I was wasting my time and my life praying that we would be. I guess you call it dedication, or commitment to love, something I guess you aren't sure about. A word of advice, don't make promises you can't keep, you'll just end up hurting.
Now I know I chose this path, and the consequences are mine and mine alone. BUT you have never seen all the times I've cried thinking about you. I know it has to be in the hundreds or more. I'm not guilt tripping you and I could never tell you this to your face because I have never wanted to hurt you. I always said as long as you are happy, that's what I want. It's what I've always done, I have always put you first. I never think about myself, I believe in altruism, but karma is such a bitch I suppose. I hope you find everything you want in life and succeed beyond all your dreams, because even though you've put me through so much pain, you also were there during crucial moments of my life.
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, I'm different from all the rest, but you knew that from the start. You tested me at every turn, why? Why? WHY would I lie? Couldn't you see it in my eyes? You know when our eyes met and YOU LOOKED away. Is it shame? What is it, was it just too hard to see the hurt in my eyes? You don't know my pain, because pain shouldn't last this long.
I guess I was not enough, you had to get a taste for my friends too. No one person cal please you I suppose, you need someone always even though you always had someone from the start and didn't recognize that. Through everything I told you I was there and you didn't care.
Now I'm just writing what I feel, I don't hate you, I never have and I never will. But you must realize the pain you've caused me. I can no longer keep it inside because it is ruining my life. I have no one to talk deeply to, everyone in my life fades away. It's always been that way. You are no different.
Just know the reason for my pain...
I still fucking love you and it hurts.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dear You...
I was going to send you a letter in the mail, but I see just how much I mean to you. So instead I'm going to post what I wrote to you for the world to see. I'm tired of hiding my feelings inside just so I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Fuck that noise, I'm not hiding what I feel any longer. Here is what I meant for you to see.
February 27, 2010
What's up? It's been a long, long time. I felt the need to write you a letter considering I never did write you back. Sorry it took me five years to respond, I'm kinda slow lol. How's life treating you? School, boys, etc.?
I'm getting by I suppose. I don't do much of anything, work, school, chill at home. It gets pretty old after a while, gets annoying sometimes too (you know how my parents can be). It really sucks because I don't have any friends here, so I pretty much live in isolation. I don't talk to anyone from home really either, no one seems to want to talk to me from there anyway, aside from Libby who usually calls me fucked up and sometimes Jamie. Other than that I don't talk to anyone.
I do play my 360 a lot though because I have a few friends from home who still play it. We play almost everyday on Modern Warfare 2 and we're pretty good lol. So yeah, I'm being a loser here in North Carolina. I've been gone for like seven months and it feels like everything has changed. I miss Ohio a lot and all of our friends. I talked to Mikey on his birthday-ish and he was telling me about his stripper girl haha. You'll probably get to see him before I do, since I won't be able to come visit home during the summer.
I miss you like crazy, I know I don't talk to you at all really anymore. I just feel like you don't want to talk to me at times since you never call and when I text you, you always seem distracted. I really miss talking to you though, I have no one here so it gets pretty lonely, lol. I guess that's one reason why I decided to write you, Facebook is impersonal and I didn't think you'd respond to an e-mail. Though I'm not sure you'll respond to this!
I know you have your own things you have to do and are probably a pretty busy lady. I just have to talk to someone and I can always talk to you. I'm such a horrible friend, don't even keep in contact. I've just had it pretty tough emotionally here for a while, but I'm starting to come back to my senses again.
It's really hard adjusting because everything here is so different. They make fun of me for saying I want "pop" lol. This town is pretty shitty! There is nothing to do here! Might be better when I get my car! I've been saving up, so next weekend I'm going car shopping. I'm pretty excited about that. PLUS it's getting warmer so soon I can take an hour and a half drive and be at the beach.
So anyway, that's pretty much what I've been into, which equates to not a whole lot, lol. I'm making it by, getting my life together so I can hopefully do something worthwhile with it. I've been working hard in school, kinda have to or else I'll have very few options left. I'm not sure where I'll end up school-wise but I'm doing the best I can now so that I'll end up with that which I sought in the beginning.
I'm so ready for summer. The cold here sucks because it gets close to freezing but doesn't snow, just rains! I'm watching Sherlock Holmes the movie, you should totally watch it, it is pretty funny.
Well, I won't bore you any longer with my drivel. I just want you to know that no matter what you are never alone and I'm always here for you. Always, take care and I hope to hear back from ya.
I'm getting by I suppose. I don't do much of anything, work, school, chill at home. It gets pretty old after a while, gets annoying sometimes too (you know how my parents can be). It really sucks because I don't have any friends here, so I pretty much live in isolation. I don't talk to anyone from home really either, no one seems to want to talk to me from there anyway, aside from Libby who usually calls me fucked up and sometimes Jamie. Other than that I don't talk to anyone.
I do play my 360 a lot though because I have a few friends from home who still play it. We play almost everyday on Modern Warfare 2 and we're pretty good lol. So yeah, I'm being a loser here in North Carolina. I've been gone for like seven months and it feels like everything has changed. I miss Ohio a lot and all of our friends. I talked to Mikey on his birthday-ish and he was telling me about his stripper girl haha. You'll probably get to see him before I do, since I won't be able to come visit home during the summer.
I miss you like crazy, I know I don't talk to you at all really anymore. I just feel like you don't want to talk to me at times since you never call and when I text you, you always seem distracted. I really miss talking to you though, I have no one here so it gets pretty lonely, lol. I guess that's one reason why I decided to write you, Facebook is impersonal and I didn't think you'd respond to an e-mail. Though I'm not sure you'll respond to this!
I know you have your own things you have to do and are probably a pretty busy lady. I just have to talk to someone and I can always talk to you. I'm such a horrible friend, don't even keep in contact. I've just had it pretty tough emotionally here for a while, but I'm starting to come back to my senses again.
It's really hard adjusting because everything here is so different. They make fun of me for saying I want "pop" lol. This town is pretty shitty! There is nothing to do here! Might be better when I get my car! I've been saving up, so next weekend I'm going car shopping. I'm pretty excited about that. PLUS it's getting warmer so soon I can take an hour and a half drive and be at the beach.
So anyway, that's pretty much what I've been into, which equates to not a whole lot, lol. I'm making it by, getting my life together so I can hopefully do something worthwhile with it. I've been working hard in school, kinda have to or else I'll have very few options left. I'm not sure where I'll end up school-wise but I'm doing the best I can now so that I'll end up with that which I sought in the beginning.
I'm so ready for summer. The cold here sucks because it gets close to freezing but doesn't snow, just rains! I'm watching Sherlock Holmes the movie, you should totally watch it, it is pretty funny.
Well, I won't bore you any longer with my drivel. I just want you to know that no matter what you are never alone and I'm always here for you. Always, take care and I hope to hear back from ya.
Love,
Jeff
Jeff
P.S.- I know you'll never read this...
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