Have You Ever Felt this Way?

This makes me think of you and all the shit you put me through. All I ever tried to do was to love you with all my heart. I even moved back just to be with you. I did everything I could to prove to you how much I cared. Over the years you drifted in and out when it was convenient. Why couldn't you be true to yourself and show everyone who you truly are. You are a great person, other than the fact you played me like a fiddle. I ate it all up too because in my heart I had always hoped there might be some glimmer of hope, just some notion that you still loved me. You put the distance between us first, so I packed my bags and left to another state.

Even after you distanced yourself from me, I keep dreaming. That's what gets me. I don't see you anymore, but you still appear in my dreams. EVEN when I didn't even think about you. You broke my heart over and over, for what revenge? Spite? What? Why did you tell me you love me and then leave, then over and over again? Was I too strong in my love? I'm not sorry for loving you with everything I had in me. I wouldn't change that because even though I put up with so much shit and heartache, when I was with you, I felt the happiest I had been in years.

I never opened up to anyone like I did. I let down my guard and I got slapped in the face. When you left for the last time, our friends asked me, "You really loved her didn't you." Of course I did, I loved you more than life itself, you know what I mean by that, or at least you should. You used to care about me, at least I thought you did but maybe you just liked the thrill of the chase and how I was always waiting around.

I can't wait anymore, I've waited for four years hoping we'd come around. I thought maybe that one day this pain would go away, but even when I try and block it out, you still appear. It's as if life wants me to remain in pain. I had to leave our home because I was wasting my time and my life praying that we would be. I guess you call it dedication, or commitment to love, something I guess you aren't sure about. A word of advice, don't make promises you can't keep, you'll just end up hurting.

Now I know I chose this path, and the consequences are mine and mine alone. BUT you have never seen all the times I've cried thinking about you. I know it has to be in the hundreds or more. I'm not guilt tripping you and I could never tell you this to your face because I have never wanted to hurt you. I always said as long as you are happy, that's what I want. It's what I've always done, I have always put you first. I never think about myself, I believe in altruism, but karma is such a bitch I suppose. I hope you find everything you want in life and succeed beyond all your dreams, because even though you've put me through so much pain, you also were there during crucial moments of my life.

I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, I'm different from all the rest, but you knew that from the start. You tested me at every turn, why? Why? WHY would I lie? Couldn't you see it in my eyes? You know when our eyes met and YOU LOOKED away. Is it shame? What is it, was it just too hard to see the hurt in my eyes? You don't know my pain, because pain shouldn't last this long.

I guess I was not enough, you had to get a taste for my friends too. No one person cal please you I suppose, you need someone always even though you always had someone from the start and didn't recognize that. Through everything I told you I was there and you didn't care.
Now I'm just writing what I feel, I don't hate you, I never have and I never will. But you must realize the pain you've caused me. I can no longer keep it inside because it is ruining my life. I have no one to talk deeply to, everyone in my life fades away. It's always been that way. You are no different.

Just know the reason for my pain...
I still fucking love you and it hurts.